


Alive

by Sweetpeablossom



Category: Hunger Games Trilogy - Suzanne Collins
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-04-07
Updated: 2016-08-24
Packaged: 2018-05-31 21:37:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,197
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6488290
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sweetpeablossom/pseuds/Sweetpeablossom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is another post-mockingjay fic inspired by the end of the last Mockingjay Movie rather than the book. It is my take on what might have been going through Katniss and Peeta's heads during all the silence between them in those last few scenes as well as some added scenes of my own making. First Fic! Feedback appreciated!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Barely Breathing

He came home. 

Katniss felt the first spark of something igniting in the cold, numb depths of what used to be her heart. She could barely breathe. She instinctually scrubbed the weeks of filth and grime out of her hair letting the dirt swirl into the hot water as is ran down her scarred, thin and tired body. She hadn’t allowed herself to feel anything in these weeks since she returned to district 12. Hadn’t allowed, or just wasn’t capable of facing a world where she was not dead and so many others were. Prim. Finnick. Cinna. Rue. Boggs. Mags…the list was so massive that the weight of it crushed her very being. 

She was alive, but for what? She vaguely comprehended that the rebellion was over. The oppressors defeated. The districts free. Snow and Coin dead and the sadistic Hunger Games dead with them. But though her mind knew these things, the cost to her soul had been too high. Her heart could not feel even one small flutter of joy or relief. Only pain and deep, deep sorrow along with an emptiness and cold darkness that caused her to cry in anguish for hours on the couch in the lonely living room that she used to share with her Mother and with Prim. She would cry until exhausted and then stare numbly into the darkness until sleep overtook her. But even in sleep there was no reprieve. The nightmares would flash before her mind causing her to relive the torture again and again. And then she would see the images—Prim on fire. Finnick being devoured by Mutts. Rue still and lifeless in her flowery grave. Cinna receiving blow after blow to his kind face. Peeta’s eyes cruel and full of hate as he closed his fists around her neck. The visions of horror were so numerous that her subconscious never ran out of new material to cause her to scream herself awake and acknowledge it was not just a nightmare— it was all very real. And then it would start again. The tears, the numb staring into the darkness…this was living? 

The war was ended and now there could be new life and hope for so many, but not for her. She sacrificed all but her life. What cruel twist of fate decided to leave her behind? She didn’t deserve to live…didn’t want to. Killing herself would require too much passion and energy. She hoped that as each dark and lonely day passed the numbness would continue to takeover her mind and heart more and more until she slipped out of awareness and into blissful nothingness, that if not death, would at least provide a similar relief.

But then she had heard the scraping of the shovel outside. She stumbled out the front door squinting at the bright sunlight, stopping dead in her tracks as she came upon a figure bent down, patting topsoil down around a bright yellow flower. 

Sensing someone approaching behind him, the figure stood and turned, his face reflecting the brightness of the sun and causing his blond wavy hair to shine like gold across his forehead. Katniss could barely tolerate the painfully intense light that was such a shocking contrast to the cave of darkness she had been walled up in for weeks upon end. Her brain could scarcely comprehend what she was seeing—until her eyes adjusted enough to recognize two deep blue eyes—eyes so familiar— eyes that once looked into hers with such love and tenderness…now just as beautiful. But different too—older, a bit tired, having beheld visions like her own that they could never un-see. 

“Peeta…?” the name came as a whisper from her lips. “You came home.” It was a statement made in utter disbelief, her voice horse from weeks of disuse. 

“Yeah” He acknowledged, his eyes continued to stare softly and somewhat sadly into her own. 

He noticed her eyes flicker down towards the pile of dirt and flowers at his feet. “ I found them at the edge of the forest—primroses.” He dropped his glance, shuffling his toe in the dirt, and then bringing his eyes tentatively up again to meet hers. 

The tears were welling up from somewhere deep inside her heart—not from the place of despair they had typically been pouring from as of late, but from somewhere that brought a tiny sliver of relief along with the pain. She couldn’t articulate her feelings if she tried. But Peeta was standing in front of her. Alive. And he was planting primroses. 

Katniss had her arms around him before either of them could comprehend the action. Peeta slowly surrounded her with his steady arms, cautiously placing his chin on top of her head pulling her gently against his chest. “I’m so sorry Katniss” he breathed quietly. As his soft words filled her ears, her breath hitched in her chest as the tears fell. A single tear was rolling down his cheek as well and she knew then that only Peeta could shed a tear that embodied a deep shared understanding of the pain and sorrow of her own heart.

The longer she held on to him the clearer the thought became in her head that Peeta was actually there. The Peeta who had loved her so much since she was 5 years old, the Peeta she had pretended to love to save both of their lives, and had then incidentally broken his heart, the Peeta she had admitted she needed on the beach in the Quarter Quell and kissed, igniting a hunger deep in her core that both thrilled and frightened her, the Peeta they had taken away from her and tortured until he did not know his own mind and hated her—even tried killing her. Suddenly overwhelmed, Katniss abruptly broke the embrace mumbling something unintelligible as she stumbled up the steps of her porch and into the house slamming the door closed with her back as she let out a breath she didn’t realize she was holding. 

Now, as the water turned cold in the shower she turned it off and stood there staring at the condensation dripping down the beveled glass. Her heart was beating quickly in her chest and she felt a dull warmth there where it had been so cold before. She was afraid to step out of the shower. Unsure of what to do once she did. Finally she decided to keep it simple and dry off and get dressed. She stared at her face in the mirror and as the steam faded, she hardly recognized what she saw. She had hardly eaten since coming back to 12 and her face was so thin and drawn. There were dark grey shadows under her eyes and it took immense patience to comb out the tangles from her matted hair that had been left unbrushed for weeks. Eventually, she was able weave it into her typical side braid and had to admit she felt a small degree better being clean.

But now she had to decide what to do—about Peeta. His presence had the immediate effect of pushing the fogginess and despair far enough away so that she was able to have some meager, but refreshingly new thoughts. She wanted to see him but was afraid at this same time. As she made her way down the stairs she decided she didn’t have the courage today. She peered out the window and saw the bright and colorful primrose garden freshly planted, blooms quivering in the soft breeze. In spite of herself, the corner of her mouth tilted into the smallest almost imperceptible smile. Her eyes still reflected the guilt and sadness that she could not escape, and even though she did not know what would come of it…the soft breeze that danced among those flowers managed to ignite a small ember in her heart along with it. She was no longer alone.


	2. Softly Breaking Silence

Chapter 2

Katniss managed to fall asleep eventually after hours spent staring up at the ceiling as thoughts raced through her mind. It was a relief to have a break from the dark thoughts that had constantly been plaguing her mind, but these new ones had her heart racing in a new way—a fear of the unknown future rather than that known terror of the past. Her dreams were different as well. She didn’t see Prim, or Cinna, or Rue. The only familiar face that appeared all night long was Peeta’s. There were still nightmares—plenty of images of him in pain, facing torture, attacking her, but mixed in for the first time were soft scenes edged in beauty. Peeta’s face filled with sincere concern as he tossed her the bread in the rain. His smile as he handed her the pearl on the beach, the feel of his arms around her after Finnick restarted his heart, Looking into each others eyes as they lifted the nightlock berries to their lips, his strong hands kneading dough as soft sunlight filtered through the window, and then, his hands on the sides of her face pulling her more intensely into a soft kiss she initiated on the beach in the Quarter Quell, a feeling of warmth and a deep ache spreading in her lower abdomen as the kiss deepened—

Katniss awoke suddenly with a cry on her lips—though not one of terror as they usually were, but one of need. She placed her fingers upon her lips, the memory of the kiss still strongly present in her minds eye. What was happening to her? Her feelings for Peeta had never been clear. She was always so busy trying to survive that she always had an excuse to avoid meditating on them. She knew he had truly loved her up until the highjacking. Now she wasn’t sure if any of those feelings remained. Or if they did, she suspected they couldn’t be untainted as they once were. Katniss pushed away the thought—she had so much practice doing it that it was almost effortless. Peeta was important to her. More important than anyone else left on the earth. And he was alive and home. Her heart gave an unexpected leap as she comprehended her own thought. Peeta was at this moment alive and in the house across the street from hers. There was no need to think further. She hurriedly dressed and found herself out of breath, hand raised to knock on his door—

The door opened before she had a chance to knock and Peeta stood before her. His eyes still somber and sad but at the sight of her standing on his porch, the smallest twinkle appeared in their blue depths as he moved aside, silently inviting her in. As he closed the door and turned to face her, Katniss saw that he had only just gotten out of bed himself. His hair was tousled and he wore cotton yellow drawstring pajama pants that sat low on his hips with a white fitted t-shirt. His eyes had dark grey shadows underneath to match her own. She suddenly felt awkward with no plan of what to do or say, but then Peeta broke the silence, “I was just about to make breakfast, Katniss. Would you like to join me?” She knew that Peeta was changed in so many ways from what he had been through. She feared the extent and long-lasting effects of his highjacking. But as he asked her that simple question his voice was soft and kind as she always remembered it to be. She smiled faintly and nodded, following him into his kitchen. 

Katniss sat on one of the stools at the high butcher block table and watched as Peeta started to crack eggs into a pan at the stove. As he walked back and forth preparing the rest of the meal Katniss took the opportunity to observed him. Like herself, he had lost too much weight, but his arms, though thinner, had not lost the full bulk of muscle he had built up for the Quell. His hair was longer than he usually wore it, but just as soft and wavy. He had mild scars visible to one side at the base of his neck where it met his shoulder, disappearing into his soft white t-shirt. Other than the loss of his leg, their physical damages were similar. To an extent, their emotional scars were also close to being evenly matched. Though Katniss knew his highjacking and torture was something she did not experience first hand, the way her mind and heart had suffered while he was apart from her—imagining what they might be doing to him— had eaten away at her, and was her own personal hell. 

But for all that, there was one thing she still had possession of that Peeta had had taken from him—she had her memories. They were still her own. The ones that were horror-filled, but also the beautiful ones. Her heart swelled with pain and empathy as she watched him pour hot chocolate into two mugs. All of a sudden she felt so very selfish. As much as she cared for Peeta and had felt destroyed when he was taken from her, she had not thought truly about what it must be like to be in his particular hell. 

He set a plate of steaming eggs and toast and the hot drink in front of her and then sat down on the stool across from her with his own plate. His eyes met her intent stare with a soft and slightly curious look and they began to eat. Katniss usually didn’t mind silence. She never wanted to talk for the sake of talking and she wasn’t good at conversations anyway, but for the first time she felt that there were so many things to be said, even if she didn’t know quite what they were.   
She quickly swallowed a gulp of hot chocolate, “Peeta—“ she started loudly. He looked at her surprised but then patiently waited for her to continue. Katniss kicked herself internally. 

I am so messed up— I have lost so many people that I care about and have been on the verge of losing it for weeks, and now I have Peeta, the person I care for most in the world, sitting across from me at this table, and I can’t even say a simple sentence! 

Peeta was still looking at her expectantly as these conflicting thoughts caused her eyes to dart back and forth nervously. 

“What is it, Katniss?” he asked softly. “I know I have been quiet—its just that since the highjacking I spend so much time trying to sort out thoughts in my head that I feel I can’t talk as freely as I used to…” he trailed off with a sigh. 

“No Peeta, its not that—I just…” She took a deep breath in and out and looked into his eyes before continuing, “I want you to know how glad I am that you are back.” She looked back down at her plate. That one sentence seemed so not enough compared to all thoughts and feelings she felt zipping around her heart, but when she looked up to gauge Peeta’s reaction to her words she knew she had said enough for now. There was a light in is eyes that she had not seen since before he was taken away from her. That light, though the glimmer was small, was enough to cause the newly ignited ember in her lonely heart to grow a few degrees warmer.


	3. Promise of Peace

Chapter 3

 

The next day was beautiful. Sunny and warm with a blissful breeze. Katniss joined Peeta again for breakfast. She could see from his tired eyes that he, like herself, had once again been deprived of a good night sleep. She couldn’t even remember what it felt like to sleep soundly and dreamlessly throughout a full night. But despite their sleep deprivation, a comfortable feeling hung in the air between them. It was as if the peaceful beauty of the early morning had given them both a small first glimpse of the new world they were living in. Katniss still carried with her at every moment the pain and guilt of her losses, but for the first time she recognized the calm presence of this new world around her and wondered if maybe in some small way, it could be for her after all. 

No. It could never be for me alone. Alone I would always feel dead inside. Its Peeta. His presence breathes life into my heart. If there is life for me in this new world, it has to be with him at my side…

She glanced at Peeta. He was gazing through the sunlit window, the bright morning rays painted across his face caused his eyes to radiate life despite his somber expression. He sensed her gaze and turned his bright eyes upon her. “Do you want to walk with me to the meadow, Katniss?”

He had said so little since he arrived that Katniss was jolted by his simple question. 

“Yes.”

They cleaned up the dishes and walked together out onto the porch. The morning light had risen higher in the sky, only singing birds and the sounds of the leaves dancing in the trees amongst the breeze disturbed the peaceful serenity. Without a word, Peeta took Katniss’ hand within his own and they walked together towards the meadow. 

Katniss was surprised when Peeta took her hand. It felt so safe and warm and natural. Katniss couldn’t help but let her mind wander to the times he had held her hand in the past. Most of those times were part of an act. Well, at lease for her it was an act… Ugh! She wasn’t even sure if that were true! Sometimes she felt something real, though she had never labeled the feeling. Peeta had made his feelings crystal clear to her from the beginning. He loved her—He had loved her since they were 5 years old. He had shown her this love in so many ways. She felt a painful twinge in her heart at the thought. 

He had loved her. Did he still? I don't deserve his love…he deserves to be loved in return just as deeply…even if I did love him—i am not capable of that kind of love. 

When they arrived, they stood in silence as they took in the scene. The rolling hills were cover in soft long grass that blew softly in the breeze. Bright colors of the wildflowers were splashed amongst the deep hues of green. The trees danced on the edge of the forest and the dome of the deep blue sky enveloped the world as far as they could see in every direction with whispers of the promise of peace. Peeta released her hand only to place his arm around her slender waste. She felt Peeta startle for a moment as she in turn placed her arm tentatively around his own waste, but then he pulled her close to his side and without words they paid their silent tribute to all of their loved ones who had paid the ultimate price so that the living could truly live. 

Tears glided slowly down both of their faces as they stood their together. They wept over the loss of their families and friends but also over the loss of their innocence—they would never again be the children they were before their names were called that fateful day at the Reaping. But then, those children were slaves. Even if they had never been reaped, they would never have been free. But here they stood. Free…but too broken to embrace it fully. Alive, but unable to comprehend a picture of how it might look to actually live. So they held onto each other as the sun moved westward over the graves in the meadow bidding their hearts to find some kind of peace.


	4. Flames of Hope

Chapter 4

Flames of Hope

 

Over the next few weeks Katniss and Peeta slowly fell into a quiet routine. Katniss had found the courage to venture back into the woods again since Peeta had come home. She had avoided the woods at first because she feared the pain of memories that might wash over her—the loss of her family—her Father and Prim and even her Mother to some extent. She also dreaded reminders of her once steadfast friendship with Gale…but as she stepped into the familiar trees she was in fact overwhelmed by a variety of unexpected feelings. She felt peace. And a palpable thrill of hope as her very being comprehended that she was no longer in danger in these woods, no longer had to risk anything for survival—she was free to be in these woods for no other reason than to enjoy them. Instead of sad and fearful memories surrounding her, she felt warmth radiating from her heart as she remembered her Father and Mother and Prim and even Gale—she was hit for the first time with the enormity of the outcome of the rebellion and the new world it brought with it. Instead of the dreadful guilt and pain she had been suffering as a survivor, she felt humbled as the memories of those she loved breathed upon her motivation to live again—not for herself, but to honor the lives of those who had paid the ultimate price so she could stand in this immense and beautiful forest and breathe and hunt and sing without fear. 

When Katniss returned to her house, Peeta was at the stove pulling a batch of steaming hot cheese buns from the oven. He turned to place the dish on the table and startled as his eyes beheld Katniss in the doorway. It wasn’t her presence that startled him, but the transformation he couldn’t help but see radiating from her face. She looked healthy and invigorated. Her grey eyes shining with a brightness he almost didn’t recognize. She was short of breath from the exercise and placed her game bag on the counter as she met his eyes, her cheeks quickly coloring as she perceived he saw the change in her face. “Two rabbits and a squirrel” she said quickly as she pulled off her boots. Peeta still hadn’t responded so she gave his face a quick glance and saw wonder reflected in his eyes and an almost imperceptible smile turning up the edge of his lips. Katniss quickly headed for the stairs mumbling something about needing a shower to escape her sudden unexplained feelings of discomfort and embarrassment.   
As the warm water washed over her in the shower she had time to reflect upon her feelings. She had become such an expert at avoiding them altogether when she had survival, saving people and the rebellion as excuses. But this was new territory. She had no excuse to avoid them any longer. The experience she had had in the woods gave her courage to attempt some self-reflection. Why was she embarrassed that Peeta may have sensed some happiness in her face. Long habits of hiding how she felt now seemed so silly. Of all people, Peeta would not judge her for feeling a bit of hope looking towards the future. Hope was always one of his defining features that contrasted to starkly with her critical attitude and negativity…that is, it was one of his defining features before the highjacking. Katniss felt tears of sadness prick her eyes amidst the steamy shower. Peeta, like her, was alive, but she mourned what had been taken from him. He bright and easy smile, his open kindness and sense of humor, his beautiful way of seeing people and the world through the lens of hope even in the midst of all they had been through—these things may not have been taken from him, but an innocence had been removed. And though all the beautiful things that made Peeta who he was still existed somewhere in his being, the confusion of his mind and the weariness of his heart kept them tucked away under a quiet and more somber exterior. 

Katniss dried herself off and dressed in comfortable lounge clothes. She combed her hair and her fingers began weaving the long locks automatically as she caught her own eyes in the mirror reflection—there it was—the change that she had only felt, but Peeta had beheld on her face. Hope. In its beginning stages, but so refreshing—it was something to be shared, not hidden. And she resolved to do her best to share it with the person she owed everything too. His hope had sustained her through the hardest and darkest times and now she would do her best to sustain him. Thats what they do for each other. Keep each other alive—but not just breathing. No, in this new world they needed to help each other truly live. And only the breeze of hope could fan that sort of life into flames in their hearts.


End file.
